Question: When our mother became critically ill, I called my brother and sister to let them know that her time appeared to be short. My sister came more than 600 miles to be with Mom in the hospital when she died. My brother, however, did not come to the hospital and even objected to an open casket visitation at the funeral home. This has caused a family rift, mainly because my sister and I believe it is the obligation of children to come to the hospital when their parent is dying. I feel it is unforgivable that my brother did not have the decency to show his last respects to our mother even though he was always the favorite. My husband says I am being too harsh, but I have not been able to deal with my grief.

Answer: While we don’t know if there is quite a “right” or “wrong” answer here, it is obvious that your brother has chosen to handle his grief differently that you and your sister. While you may feel that you, as the child nearest in proximity, have had to deal with this major loss on your own and without the full support of your family, we believe you will agree that some people -- possibly, your brother -- may be concerned about their own mortality and do not want to be reminded of death or the dying process in any situation.

Grief is an agonizing human experience through which people come to grips with their loss and the resultant changes in their lives. Therefore, it should not be surprising that the grieving process is a very personal, emotional time that may take a number of different forms and may last for days, weeks, months, or even years before the bereaved person comes to terms with the death.
For some, seeing the body and participating in the funeral helps people come to terms with the loss. For others, like your brother, acceptance may present itself in another form. Sorrow gives way to anger, which, in turn, can sometimes be directed at the deceased person, especially when there is a suicide. Guilt and depression are two other prevalent conditions that affect bereaved persons after the death of a loved one.

Funerals are ritualistic and symbolic activities that provide a time and place for family and friends to express their feelings about their loved one. Some people, however, don’t buy into this method of grieving.

Taking the NextStep: The grieving process is a natural reaction to the death of a loved one that, over time, gives way to coping and carrying on with our lives. But each of us reacts differently to stressful times like these.

Experts say that major decisions should not be made until one year after the death. We suggest that you withhold your judgment on the manner in which your brother grieves for your mother for the same period of time.

More on the Cost of Prescription Drugs: A reader writes: “My mother, age 98, had only her savings, Social Security, and a $157 pension from a big company to pay all her expenses. I reduced her prescription cost by having her doctor double the concentration (100 mg became 200 mg), and then we split the pill. The cost was about half. My mother-in-law is 99 years of age, uses this approach, and even gets free prescriptions from the manufacturer with her name on them through her doctor. All you have to do is look around and help yourself.” (Note: Pill-splitting may be a good solution in some situations, but not all tablets should be split. Therefore, make sure you discuss this with your doctor and pharmacist.)