Question: As our New Year’s resolution, my sister and I are going to redouble our efforts to get prepared to help our parents (who live on the opposite coast) should they need it. They are in their late 70’s and in relatively good health, but at their age, my sister and I know that anything can happen at any time. Our folks are very private, and our concern is that if something happens to one or both of them, it would be difficult for us to get a handle on what they want and what to do. Are there “right” ways to broach these issues with our parents without making them think we are barracudas circling them “for the kill,” which is not our intention at all?

Answer: Making plans to be able to help our elderly parents when they need it is important, yet often ignored until it’s too late. In addition to dealing with legal documents, financial and retirement issues, and health care decision-making options (which we have covered in prior columns), there are a number of practical areas that should also be addressed, especially when the physical distance between parent and child is significant.

While it may seem awkward to talk about aging issues with your parents, families who have “been through it” tell us that those who discuss the options and agree on a plan of action are generally better able to deal with most contingencies should the unthinkable occur. Therefore, in addition to making sure the legal documents are in order, access to information and understanding preferences place adult children in a much better position to carry out their parents’ wishes at a later date when the parent may be unable to do so.

While it is important to convince your parents that you are there to support them when they need it, it is just as essential that you convince them that you will help them retain as much control as possible to make their own decisions for as long as possible, and will give deference to their desires as long as practicable. If and when necessary, changes should be made in “baby steps”, not quantum leaps, so they can adjust more easily. And be forthright with your folks about your own family situations and your time limitations so that there are no misunderstandings.

Once you have gotten your parents’ permission, in order to be informed about the legal, financial and medical issues relevant to them, we suggest that your folks provide you with the following:

1) A list of lawyers, physicians, bankers and brokers, insurance agents, certified public accountants, and other professionals who assist them along with their names, addresses, and telephone numbers.

2) Location of their wills, powers of attorney, health care documents, safe deposit boxes (including location of keys and who has access), trusts, life insurance, health insurance, and annuity information, including policy numbers where appropriate. It would be helpful for you to have copies of these documents and to be added as authorized persons on the safe deposit box.

3) The particulars of your parents’ desires regarding funeral arrangements; burial plot information, and the name and address of their clergy.

4) Where you can find their Social Security cards, birth certificates, marriage certificate, divorce certificates, military records, and pension and retirement documents.

5) A list of their bank and brokerage accounts, together with the names, addresses, and phone numbers of each financial entity and also with the location of all account records.

6) Location of titles to real estate, automobiles, and personal property appraisals, along with full information about their credit card accounts, mortgages, revolving accounts, and other obligations they may owe, including account numbers and company addresses. And don’t forget about loans due to your parents, if any.

7) Location of all insurance policies (life, health, long-term care, automobile, homeowners, etc.), annuities, and employee benefit/pension information, including names, addresses, and telephone numbers.

8) Where you can find their last five years’ income tax returns along with gift tax returns.

9) And last, but certainly not least, releases and authorizations that will allow you to speak with their lawyers, physicians, health care providers, bankers, brokers, and other professionals who have served them over the years

With these tools in hand, you and your folks should be ready to face the uncertainty that the future may bring.