Question: I am 78 years of age and in fairly good health. Since shortly after my husband died seven years ago, at my son’s request, I have lived with him and my daughter-in-law. In order to make room for me, they added a small apartment on to their home, so I made a gift to him of $100,000 to cover the building and furnishing expense. My accountant told me that because of the size of the gift, I had to file a gift tax return, which I did. I have paid my son $500 each month for my share of the food and utilities. I pay my own way otherwise. My daughter, who lives with her family more than 1,000 miles away, visits and calls only occasionally.

Last week, my son told me that he was going to sell his house and move, and that I would have to go into assisted living or move in with my daughter. He told me that my presence had put a strain on his marriage. I have tried not to interfere with my son’s family (they have two children in college), so I was shocked. I also understood that when I gave him the money, the agreement was that I would stay with him until I became so ill that I needed a nursing home. My income from Social Security and retirement is almost $2,000 per month, and I have just over $200,000 in certificates of deposit. My daughter says that I should get my $100,000 back from him, but that she and her family don’t have room for me. I have lost all of my friends and have nowhere to turn, and so I am writing you. I am embarrassed to call the local community aging office. Should my son give me my $100,000 back? Where should I live and who can help me? What should I do about my will and power of attorney which name my son?

Answer: First and foremost, there is no stigma attached to calling your local aging resources because they are in existence to assist and provide information to elderly persons like you. In fact, we believe that this should be one of the first calls you make. Or you may wish to contact independent living and assisted living facilities in your area and begin taking tours to see which one you like. It may be a good idea for you to spend the weekend in one of the facilities to acclimate yourself.

Or you may want to contact a private geriatric care manager in your area who knows what facilities are available and can help get you placed. In this way, you will have a private resource with whom you will have a personal relationship. If you can not find a care manager in your local phone book, you can locate one near you by visiting the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers’ website at www.caremanager.org.

While your son may voluntarily decide to return all or part of the gift you gave him (which will require him to file a gift tax return if he reimburses you more than $10,000 in any one year), your daughter’s suggestion that your son should reimburse you the $100,000 you gave him is without legal basis. You made an absolute gift to your son with no strings attached. The “agreement” you felt you had with your son was not a written condition of the transfer of funds. You filed a federal gift tax return. Because of situations like this which are becoming more and more prevalent, if there is an agreement, the terms should be in writing and signed by all interested parties -- even though you are dealing with family members and don’t think agreements should be put in writing.

With your income and remaining assets, you should have no problem affording a comfortable independent or assisted living environment. If you and your son are still getting along otherwise, there would be no real reason to change your powers of attorney; however, if you are not, you should carefully consider the replacement. Your daughter lives far away and has little contact with you. You have no friends in the area. Under all circumstances, your son is probably still the best choice; however, make sure your power of attorney does not become effective unless and until you are incapacitated (called a springing durable power of attorney) and, under these circumstances, since you want to make sure all the rest of your money is available for your care, we suggest that there be no gifting authority granted to your agent.