The Importance of Family Health and Medical Care During Divorce

By Michael O. Fleming

By understanding the emotions divorce typically inspires and recognizing when you may need help coping, you will facilitate the adjustment process and be better able to handle the multitude of tasks at hand. The health essays included will help you understand the emotional and physical impact of divorce; the benefits of support groups; the effect of substance abuse on marital relations; and religious implications of divorce.

And the Resources section identifies support groups, professional organizations, and publications that can provide further information on common emotional stages, coping with anger and stress, the divorce recovery process, divorce counseling and therapy, family therapy, self-help, substance abuse treatment, religious implications of divorce, and the importance of a personal support network.

Of all the stressful events in life, divorce is one of the most painful and potentially scarring not only to the couple involved but to every member of the family unit. There is rarely such a thing as a happy divorce. Instead, each party is filled with a confusing mixture of feelings that seems almost impossible to sort out. Whether a marriage has lasted three or 30 years, the feelings are often the same, and the difficulty in dealing with these feelings is compounded by the need to Take care of business Though not an easy task, recognizing and dealing with negative feelings can prevent long-term physical and psychological health problems. It is hard to talk about a positive outcome when speaking of divorce, but it does seem appropriate to talk about how to achieve the best for you and your family.

Some of the dominant feelings associated with divorce are anger, denial, guilt, anxiety, helplessness, and a sense of failure. These can occur in stages, separately, or (as in most cases) all at once. Of these the most difficult may be the sense of guilt and failure. Failure is a very tough thing to admit to another person but that other person may be your most valuable asset in making it through this difficult time. Find someone to confide in and to use for advice. This may be a best friend, a member of the clergy, or your doctor. The person should be someone who is intelligent, will keep all things confidential (after all, that is the meaning of To confide) and who can remain objective. It does no good to confide in someone who will only see things with your same guilt and prejudices. Talk to your confidant frequently and freely discuss your feelings. And listen. Remember that you have chosen this person because he or she is objective.

Treating Stress-Related Depression

The most common medical problem during the process of divorce is depression. This is a clinical situation that is no different from any other disease such as diabetes or asthma in that it can be treated successfully. The symptoms of depression are important because they not only affect how you feel but also how you deal with stressful situations.

Problems with sleep are almost universal among people suffering from depression. Some people find it difficult to fall asleep, and when they finally do, they wake in a short time. Others feel the need to all the time, feeling drowsy constantly, but rarely achieving restful sleep. Lack of sleep only compounds what is already a very serious problem. These sleep disorders are a hallmark of clinical depression and can be treated very effectively and safely by your family physician.

Another serious symptom of depression is difficulty in concentrating and a limited attention span. This can prove disastrous in a work situation where you must perform at your best. It is difficult enough making all of the decisions required of you during this stressful time without feeling that you aren’t thinking well. Impaired reasoning can seriously affect the others you care for, particularly children. When you are not able to concentrate on your normal duties at work because of the difficulties and trauma of your divorce, you certainly will not be able to concentrate on the very real needs of those you love. The inability to make good decisions for yourself or others (basically poor judgment) can be particularly debilitating when you need to be making the best decisions possible.

Most important is that all of these symptoms can be treated. However, the only way your doctor can help you is for you to tell him or her of the problems. Remember that depression is an illness, an illness no different from other illnesses, that can be treated successfully with counseling and possibly with medications. There is little distinction between the two treatment methods: both are an integral part of treating this disorder. Counseling can come in the form of talks with your physician, or your physician may recommend several sessions with a professional counselor. Such a professional, whether physician or mental health specialist, is trained to serve as an objective, caring person to discuss your feelings with you. He or she can then help by recommending some strategies for dealing with all of the painful and difficult feelings mentioned earlier.

Medication can also be a valuable tool in treating depression. Many people are afraid of starting a medication during a divorce, with special fears about drug side effects and possible dependence. Medications that treat depression have been around for a while, but why they are effective has only recently become clear. There is an area of the brain that controls the emotions. Within this area are numerous chemicals that assure normal function. Depression is characterized by a low level of one of these neurotransmitter hormones called serotonin. Anti-depressant medications are effective because they normalize the level of serotonin. Thus they are extremely safe when administered correctly by your physician. No medicine can prevent you from feeling many of the emotions mentioned here, but when these medications are used in conjunction with effective counseling by a caring physician and counselor, this difficult time can have a happy ending.

Other Common Illnesses

Other physical symptoms can appear as well. Frequently people going through divorce complain of abdominal pain often associated with loss of appetite, resulting in weight loss. Certainly depression can cause loss of appetite, but abdominal pain is not a symptom to overlook. This can be a sign of inflammation of the stomach or duodenum, gastritis or duodenitis, or even an ulcer. Episodes of cramping with diarrhea or constipation are a sign of irritable bowel syndrome, or spastic colon, a condition that is aggravated by stress. Again, your doctor can help. There are medications to help the symptoms, but more importantly, the advice and counsel from a trusted friend are invaluable in easing their ultimate cause.

Headache and fatigue are two other frequent complaints. Most headaches that occur during this time are tension headaches caused by contractions of the scalp muscles as a result of the tremendous stress divorce brings on. Tension headaches are no less severe than migraine headaches. These can be treated by your doctor as well, although it is important to avoid narcotic-type pain medications since these can produce such unwanted side effects as drowsiness, can worsen depression, and are potentially habit-forming. Fatigue is another of the most common symptoms of stress and depression. Again, be sure to alert your doctor to this condition for appropriate treatment. Other physical symptoms can be important as well. Tell your doctor everything so that all of your problems can be addressed.

Effects of Divorce on Family MembersWhen any member of a family goes through a stressful time, no matter how difficult, it affects the family as a whole as well as each individual. Frequently the parents involved in a divorce are so caught up in their own difficulties that they aren’t aware of the problems other family members may be experiencing.

Children in particular will experience many of the same feelings that you will have. Small children express their feelings differently, so you must be alert to the signs. Frequently younger children exhibit regressive behavior. They become suddenly unable to do activities they used to perform easily, tasks such as dressing themselves, bathing themselves, toilet training, or even sleeping alone. Older children tend toward more aggressive behavior that may manifest itself as difficulty in school such as declining grades, discipline problems, and lack of interest. They may also show lack of respect and exhibit behavior problems at home as well, some of which can become severe. These can be prevented by a little knowledge and forethought. Remember that children, even very young children, comprehend much more than we typically believe. Speak to them frankly and openly, without anger or recrimination. Again, your confidant may help by listening to your concerns or the concerns of your children.

A Resource for the Whole Family

No one should have to go through the pain of divorce alone, and despite a feeling of despair, there is always hope. Many of the medical problems associated with divorce not only make you feel terrible, but also affect your ability to function and perform normally at home or at work. The same is true for every member of the family. Ideally you have developed a relationship with a family physician before such a stressful time as a divorce befalls you. Whatever the situation, don’t wait to find a caring professional for yourself and your loved ones.

That’s why the Health Resources could be important to you, your children, your family.

About the Author

Michael O. Fleming, M.D., is a physician and managing senior partner in a group family practice in Shreveport, Louisiana. He has served as chair of the Public Relations and Marketing Committee of the American Academy of Family Physicians and as president of the Louisiana Academy of Family Physicians and the Louisiana Academy of Family Physicians Foundation. For the past 12 years, Michael has also acted as the Medical Director for the Caddo-Bossier Association for Retarded Citizens. He is remarried and has four children.