There is a strong link between divorce and substance abuse. While we can't say that one causes the other, we do know that chemical dependency is a disease that damages and often destroys many types of relationships including those with spouse and family, friends, self and a "higher power."
Perhaps the easiest way to demonstrate the role of substance abuse/dependency in divorce decisions is to compare the chemical involvement to an extramarital affair.
Third-party involvement in a marriage has long been a significant factor in the dissolution of relationships. The offended spouse cannot or will not continue the marriage with the knowledge of the partner's infidelity, and the divorce process begins. The intrusion of a third person makes the situation intolerable. The violation of trust, often with accompanying patterns of deceit and denial, erodes the marital foundation leaving only the rubble of broken dreams and expectations.
Seeking Help for Alcohol Abuse
Alcohol is the number one drug of choice for all ages. Millions of adults admit that alcohol has created family problems. Although alcohol dependency is a treatable disease, nothing can be done until the person affected seeks help.
If you suspect that you may have a problem with alcohol dependency, you can receive help and information from the following sources:
Drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers
Hospital outpatient clinics
Counselors, psychologists, and therapists
Certainly many marriages survive affairs and become stronger as a result of renewed commitments and vigorous efforts to achieve new levels of intimacy. What makes the difference between dissolution and survival? Many things can affect a marriage positively, but probably the most significant is a radical refocusing of the partners' mutual perspectives and a contract not to engage in external romantic relationships. Few marriages thrive with repeated violations of this contract.
For a marriage to survive chemical dependency the conditions are similar. In the addicted individual, the chemical drives the person and becomes his or her primary relationship just as the lover is the obsession for the adulterer. The power to destroy a marriage is evident in both.
People who begin to abuse alcohol, cocaine, or marijuana may experience a varying degree of pleasure and adventure. The dalliance allows an escape from routine existence. With their drug of choice they see themselves differently, possibly as more creative, sociable, or sexual. They mingle more easily and develop a camaraderie with new, seemingly more understanding companions, and they begin to withdraw from their established relationships. As this happens, conflict with husbands or wives become sharper. Neither party may understand that the wedge between them is a chemical; they simply know that things are different. The denial system then comes into play:
"I don't drink any more than Joe."
"I just use drugs to relax."
"Of course you're still the one I love."
"You're just imagining things."
Possibly the abuser will declare his/her loyalty:
"I won't ever drink again!"
Rarely does this last; vices are often too strong. Inevitably, the urge to revert to prior behavior will supersede the promises, and hiding the relationship sneaking to maintain it becomes the order of the day.
Observers of extramarital affairs watch in disbelief as reasonable, intelligent, responsible people obsessively destroy marriages for what appears to be frivolous, dead-end extramarital relationships. The successful person driven by the power of a chemical is seen with equal incredulity. Yet, those who have worked with chemical dependency and substance abuse clearly understand the pathological relationship with chemicals that places every other relationship at risk. The preoccupation with maintaining that relationship leaves little room for other significant interaction.
Those who have worked with chemical dependency and substance abuse clearly understand the pathological relationship with chemicals that places every other relationship at risk.
The chemical affair is more insidious than its romantic counterpart. With the latter, the enemy or series of enemies is clearly understood. This is not necessarily so with alcohol or drugs (unless the person affected begins behaving in a bizarre or thoroughly reprehensible manner). Questions gradually arise:
"Is this just a phase?"
"Is this behavior a result of stress?"
"Is my husband (or wife) sick or mentally ill?"
"Is it my fault?"
Inevitably the marriage becomes a partnership in name only, characterized by anger, pain, resentment and confusion. The non-user might settle for this sort of marriage, not realizing that he or she is being victimized by the spouse's chemical relationship.
Surprisingly, intervention can reverse the process. If the healthy partner comes to see the chemical abuse as the "third party" and acts accordingly, he or she can start moving the relationship in a more positive direction: first, by not participating in or enabling the chemical relationship; second, by establishing ground rules and following through; and, third, by seeking appropriate professional help for both parties.
Certainly the power of a chemical relationship is often so great that the person involved will choose the chemical over family. But conversely, the collective tough love of family, specifically the spouse, can be the catalyst that initiates change.
Since substance abuse and addiction are widely recognized as major contributors to the breakdown of relationships, public and private sector mental health and chemical dependency professionals are valuable resources to tap. Clergy members can also be of assistance.
Recognizing that the chemical relationship is so baffling that it cannot be effectively addressed without help is the toughest step. Asking for help is difficult, especially if the suffering party is unfamiliar with available resources. That, in addition to the normal embarrassment surrounding the issue, creates reluctance to reach out. Many people, knowing that their marriage is in jeopardy, have initially found some direction by walking into an Al-Anon meeting.[Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters] (Al-Anon offices are listed in the White Pages.) Here they meet people who have experienced the trauma of a "chemical affair" and are somewhere on a journey of resolution. In many cases, Al-Anon people know or have worked with professionals trained in marital and substance abuse counseling. Their supportive direction can assist people in contacting professionals appropriate to their specific situation.
Although substance abuse has threatened or destroyed countless marriages, recovery from the problem has recreated quality relationships characterized by personal growth.
In summary:
1. Substance abuse can be as destructive to a marriage as a long-standing extramarital affair.
2. Early recognition and professional help can result in positive change.
3. Reconstruction of a quality marriage is possible if both parties work toward that goal.
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