When you have a problem, have you ever noticed how helpful it is to talk to someone who has had the same problem? Sharing with others who have "been there" and uniquely understand the pain can be a great comfort during rough times. Self-help groups for people who are separated or divorced can provide such support and understanding as well as some very practical information and education. Some groups also help fight for their members' rights in larger advocacy efforts. In these member-run mutual help groups, members find that in helping each other, they truly help themselves. As one member put it, "When you help someone else up the hill, you get closer to the top yourself."
Finding a Support Group
First, determine what type of group interests you. You may choose a group for people who are separated, for divorce recovery, for single parenting, for support with joint custody, or for legal rights. When locating an existing local support group that could meet your needs, consider contacting any appropriate national group listed in this book and ask about a local affiliate. If a self-help clearinghouse or local community help-line serves your area, call for information on active groups. Additionally, women can contact their local YWCA, women's center, or women's studies department at any local college to ask about existing groups. With more and more groups meeting in various churches and synagogues, local clergy are often a good source of information. They may know of an existing group or of people interested in starting one. If you prefer paying for a professionally run support group, you might also contact your local mental health association for information on such groups.
Locating Support Groups
Check the following sources for help in locating support groups:
Friends
Pastoral counseling centers
Women's and men's organizations
Community groups for single and divorced people
Therapy groups sponsored by individual therapists</sb>
Starting Your Own Group: Elements to Consider
When there isn't an existing group, several people may decide to organize one. Self-help groups provide the opportunity to meet with others and share common experiences, knowledge, coping skills, information on resources, strengths, and hopes. Run by and for their members, these groups are started across the nation by ordinary people who possess a little bit of courage. While there is no single recipe for starting a group (different groups have different approaches), a few general considerations, listed below, may be helpful.
1. Don't reinvent the wheel. If you are interested in starting a group focusing on a particular aspect of divorce, find out who is doing it now or has done it before in your area. There are model groups, such as New Beginnings, Inc. [New Beginnings] in Maryland or the Single Parent Resource Center [Single Parent Resource Center] in New York, that can provide materials. If you prefer the adapted 12-step approach of Alcoholics Anonymous, Divorce Anonymous [Divorce Anonymous] is a good source. Contact existing national or local groups by phone or mail. Ask for any sample materials they have used, such as flyers, press releases, etc. If you do have a local self-help clearinghouse in your area, determine what assistance they can provide for you in developing a group. Consider visiting a few meetings of other self-help groups to get a feel for how they operate<m>then borrow what you consider their best techniques to use in your own group.
2. Think "mutual-help" from the start. Find just a few others who share your interest in starting, not simply joining, a self-help group, and state this in any flyer or letter you develop. Especially try to recruit "veterans" who would be willing to share their insight and experience; these people will join you in a core group or steering committee that can help prevent you from "burning out." Also, if several people are involved in the planning and initial tasks (refreshments, publicity, name tags, greeters, etc.), they will show others at the time of the first public meeting what your self-help mutual aid is all about<m>not one person doing it all, but truly a group effort. Carol Randolph, founder of New Beginnings, emphasizes this need to "delegate early," and share responsibility for the group so it is not all on your shoulders.
3. With your core group, develop and agree on your purpose and plans. What needs do you have in common that the group could address? Often they revolve around issues of emotional support, education, and/or advocacy. Write your purposes down. Clarify who will be members by determining who can attend meetings and who cannot. Designate someone to find a suitable meeting place at a local church, synagogue, library, community center, or social service agency. Would evening or day meetings be better for members? Most people prefer week nights. Find out how often people want to meet. Every other week? Monthly? It is also easier for people to remember the meeting time if it's a regular day of the week or month, like the second Thursday of the month.
4. Publicize and run your first public meeting. Reaching potential members is never easy. Free announcements in the community calendar sections of your local newspapers or in local school newsletters can be especially fruitful. Flyers in post offices, community centers, or libraries are another good way to reach the public. Personal contacts and invitations are always successful publicity methods. If you want the group to include both men and women, be sure that some of both genders will attend your first meeting; contacting the local Y's, clergy, lawyers, or other professionals can be one approach to reach a variety of people.
Divorce has overloaded our family court system, and reforming the laws is going to take years. Grass-roots community programs and self-help groups are playing a large role in telling "the system" what is needed.
The first meeting should be arranged so that there will be ample time for the steering committee to describe your interest and work, while allowing others the opportunity to share their feelings and concerns. Do those attending agree that such a group is needed? Will they attend another meeting and help out as needed? Do they want specific speakers to come in and address the group? Based on group consensus, make plans for your next meeting.
5. Choose a format for future meetings. What choice or combination of discussion time, education, business meeting, service planning, socializing, etc. suits your group best? What guidelines or ground rules are needed to assure that discussions be nonjudgmental, confidential and informative? Based upon group needs, what volunteer jobs should there be (co-chairpersons, secretary, greeter, librarian, etc.)? Future discussion topics can be selected. Might guest speakers be invited? A good discussion group size is seven to 15. If your group grows larger, consider breaking into smaller groups for discussion.
6. Phone support. Self-help groups provide an atmosphere of caring, sharing and support when needed. Some groups encourage members to exchange telephone numbers in order to provide help via telephone when and if it is needed between meetings.
7. Professional assistance. After the group is underway, in addition to possibly using professionals as speakers, consider requesting their help as advisors, consultants to your group, and sources of continued referrals.
8. Special projects. Always begin with small projects, such as the development of a group brochure or a social activity. Rejoice and pat yourselves on the back when you succeed with these first projects. Then work your way up to the more difficult tasks.
Finally, expect your group to experience ups and downs in terms of attendance and enthusiasm. It's natural and to be expected. You may want to consider having a local gathering of leaders from the same or similar groups for periodic mutual support and the sharing of program ideas and successes. Also expect that members, including yourself, will eventually graduate from the group. When this happens, take pride and satisfaction in knowing that others were helped through your group's efforts when the need was there.
About the Author
Edward J. Madara, MS in Community Development, is Director of the American and New Jersey Self-Help Clearinghouses at St. Clares-Riverside Medical Center in Denville, New Jersey. He has worked for the last 15 years in helping people to both find and form mutual aid self-help groups for a wide variety of stressful life problems. In addition to preparing four editions of The Self-Help Sourcebook: Finding and Forming Mutual Aid Self-Help Groups, Edward has also written numerous articles on the growth and special value of self-help support groups.
