Marriage and divorce each may bring isolation and rejection, humor and pathos. Marriage does not necessarily create a loving relationship nor does divorce destroy the potential for love. Faith can be an important aspect of a person's fulfillment or comfort in either situation.

To become married is to begin the journey of merging and unifying goals and aspirations, not that identity will be lost but that a new strength will be born. From a faith perspective, marriage is a relationship based not on self-gratification but on a response to God's gift of love that calls us to love in return. Gratitude and thankfulness become primary expressions of faithfulness for relationships in which people commit themselves to supporting each other in mutually fulfilling ways. As the poet John Donne recognized, "Whatever dies was not mixed equally."

When marriage offers no future<m>only a growing resentment of increasing limitations and emptiness, divorce often presents a choice between anger or fear. But divorce is a separation between people, not a rejection by God. It is to enter into a new stage of growth. It is to experience isolation and despair, not voluntarily, but that a new, more loving relationship might come of the experience. Divorce is not unlike a tree that looses its leaves in October only to become more beautiful in April.

The period of divorce is probably one of the most important times in your life to find a spiritual center of gravity and identify a personal philosophy.

From a Faith Perspective

To become separated from a husband or wife is to become open to the suffering side of faithfulness. It is to experience the fullness of God's love that emphasizes forgiveness to forgive and to be forgiven as a primary act of faithfulness.

To become divorced, by choice, by mutual agreement or by the action of another, is to take the risk that the present need not control the future<m>that the experience of isolation and rejection only increases the potential for a new sense of wholeness and relationship to come.

This is the hopefulness that faith brings to the painfulness of broken relationships. It is the promise of a God who says, "Behold, the dwelling of God is with people. God will dwell with them and they shall be God's people ... God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away." (Rev. 21:3-4)

The word "faithfulness" has been used here rather than "religion" because the latter so often becomes a list of "do's" and "don't's" that further separates the oneness of God's creation. "Faithfulness," on the other hand, emphasizes both present responsibility and future potential. Faithfulness is always a process of becoming the person God created us to be<m>a person worthy of respect and love. To settle for less is to deny our birthright.

To place marriage and divorce in the context of faith is to offer the following resources for those in the midst of broken relationships:

It is to remind us that God's love is not dependent on behavior, neither our successes nor our failures.

It is to support God's call to enter into mutually fulfilling relationships as a means of support and growth.

It is to recognize that even in the midst of our suffering, when relationships fail, there is the promise of new and more loving relationships in the future.

It is to emphasize forgiveness, both the ability to forgive and to be forgiven, as the expression of faithfulness that allows us to move beyond our brokenness and anger.

It is to recognize that love is a gift which, if it is to grow, must be shared with others. As God has loved us, so we are called to love in return.

And finally, it is to understand that gratitude is the primary religious response that allows us to place the past in perspective and to understand not only where we have been but to appreciate more fully where we are.

Friends Are Important During Divorce

During a divorce, you need friends who can provide spiritual and emotional nourishment. When your family and friends ask how they can help, be prepared to tell them the best things they can say and do:

Keep in touch

Offer good-natured companionship

Share information and resources</>

Also, let friends know the worst things they can do:

Give unsolicited advice

Always talk about their problems and suffering

Make empty offers of help

Spiritual Support

Most clergy and religious groups have moved beyond the condemning attitudes toward divorce that existed only a few decades ago. Religious leaders and religious congregations today are at the forefront in helping individuals and families cope with the changes created by divorce. Assistance includes not only counseling but also opportunities to explore ideas and concerns with others in an atmosphere that supports spiritual growth.

Faith does not develop in isolation. It begins with a willingness, at the time of the greatest pain and fear, to reach out and join others in seeking a sense of well-being. Religious leaders and congregations can serve as a vital support network for people experiencing divorce and provide a setting where new life can begin.

About the Author

Elizabeth Coleman, Reverend, and her husband, Roger Coleman, Ph.D., are both ordained ministers in Kansas City, Missouri. Elizabeth is Chaplain and Director of United Campus Ministry at the University of Missouri/Kansas City. Roger is President of Clergy Services, Inc., an organization specializing in creating wedding ceremonies and resources for celebrating second marriages. Their Family Medallion and "Celebrating the New Family" are resources for involving children in the wedding service when parents remarry.