Question: My second wife and I have been married for 12 years. My first marriage, which lasted 11 years and produced three children, ended in 1991. When I told my ex that I was going to remarry, she told me that she would use the court system to keep me in hell. Since 1995, she has had me in court every year for more child support.

Although I was transferred to another state, rendered jobless with a corporate downsizing, started my own business, and lost 80% of my income, I continue to get hit with court papers from the state of my divorce. My kids are all over age 18, so current disputes are about college expenses. Although the children have all been turned against me and won't have anything to do with me, I am being required to pay the majority of their college expenses. Even though my ex's income is increasing, I have gotten no relief. I have had nine lawyers, but none have helped me. They all tell me that I can not alter the terms of our original agreement. It is expensive for me to travel back and forth from state to state. Any suggestions?

Answer: Although we have not seen the agreement which your nine lawyers have said that you could not alter, it is difficult for us to understand how a court could continue to enforce an agreement that is beyond the economic means of the paying spouse. Although your underlying contractual obligation may be "set in stone," upon a showing of substantial changes of economic conditions, family courts have the authority to enforce less than that to which you and your former wife agreed.

Rather than asking the court to change what may be an unchangeable agreement under the law of that state, why not ask to court not to enforce the agreement to a greater extent than you can afford and to forgive what is not paid? If your lawyers have already tried this tack, then we are out of ideas; however, your situation again points up why folks who divorce should be very careful to make sure that they do not lock themselves into a binding contract that might be impossible to fulfill based upon future economic conditions.

Question (by mail): Although my husband left nearly eight months ago and although he is not paying enough to support me and our children, I have not hired a lawyer in hopes that he will come back. My friends and family tell me that I should protect myself. I am confused, afraid that if I make him mad, he certainly will not come back and will not provide anything for me .

Answer: Faced with tough decisions, some tend to procrastinate and avoid facing the hard questions. Others make decisions while they are uninformed, unprepared, and angry. Because divorce is the beginning of whole new assortment of difficulties no one ever anticipated, neither of these tactics work. Here, your husband has been gone for eight months and, although you are hoping that things will work out, you are allowing him to set a precedent -- that is, by paying you an amount of money that is insufficient to provide for your needs, he will later argue to the court that the amount is sufficient because you and your children got by on it for six months -- or a year. When divorce or separation enters your life, you must quickly become economically literate to protect your future and that of your children.

If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will and you will end up with a result you can't live with. People who understand the rules of the game generally come out better than those who sit back and hope for the best. In our opinion, you should seek the assistance of a qualified matrimonial lawyer in your area to advise you.