Salvaging Relationship Not Always Possible

Question (by e-mail): I recently read your column that appears weekly in my newspaper, and I disagree that when it comes to divorce, "economic common-sense" should override emotions. Coming from a divorced family, I have grown to be deeply concerned about advice given to the public on this issue. I find it very aggravating to see someone giving advice about how to pursue a divorce rather than salvage a relationship.

If a person is considering divorce as an escape to their problems, I believe they would reconsider if they understood the disadvantages from a child's point-of-view. With people like you giving advice about the practicalities and economics of divorce, people may overlook the severe consequences that divorce causes. Have you ever considered informing the public of the opposing view - that divorce is the easy way out, and is not an answer to the problem? Divorce is just like Pepto Bismal which coats the lining of your life for a short while, then the heartaches of children come back to haunt those who pursue divorce. With your knowledge, expertise, and experience, it seems that you would be excellent at successful promotion of something healthy for our nation rather than being a parasitical promoter of irresponsibility.

Answer: While we agree that divorce can have severe consequences to children, we believe that marital discord without divorce can be just as, if not more, devastating to both children and their parents. When it comes to children's issues, parents who decide to divorce should consider these possible consequences carefully and then work to minimize them. We strongly disagree with your statement that divorce is the "easy way out." In fact, divorce can be terribly difficult -- and in some instances, even more difficult than continuing cohabitation. But not all marriages should be saved. When domestic violence, drugs, alcohol, infidelity, and certain other factors are involved, sometimes divorce is the best - and only - answer.

While we agree that marriages that can be saved should be saved, we are not marriage counselors and do not have the expertise to try to help our readers save their marriages. There are mental health clinicians and others who deal with the issues you raise, but we deal with the practical and economic aspects of divorce and separation. Our readers include those who are contemplating divorce, who have already made that decision, who are already separated, who are in the process of litigating, or who have already been divorced and are revisiting certain matters. Hopefully those who believe their marriages can be saved will see licensed counselors who may be able to help them; however, once the divorce process begins, our column helps participants better understand their options so they can make informed decisions. While emotions will always be there, when it comes to both partners getting on with their lives, the more than two million folks who divorce each year must make business decisions - not emotional decisions - and get on with their lives.

© 1997, Flying Solo®