Question: After 22 years and three children, my husband left me for another woman. Now, six agonizing months later, he found out that she was not all he thought she would be. He wants counseling and to come back home. During this time, I found that I can survive without him; and although I still love him, I don't really trust him. What should I consider before I make a decision whether or not to reconcile?
Answer: Whether or not to reconcile involves many considerations, some emotional, some financial, and some practical. Think about insisting on the following before you say "I do" again:
(1) If your husband has been sexually intimate (and we presume he has been) with a person whose sexual history is unknown, then we believe that testing for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases is a must.
(2) To have a successful reconciliation, you and your husband must resolve your problems (real or perceived) that caused the break-up in the first place. Consider long-term counseling before the fact.
(3) If your husband is serious about reconciliation, then he should not object to a reconciliation (post nuptial) agreement that would conclude the financial issues between you and him -- just in case this happens again. This agreement should include provisions concerning alimony, child-related financial matters, insurance and security, and property settlement provisions. Once signed by you and your husband, titles to properties should be exchanged. To accomplish a post-nuptial agreement, you must have full financial disclosure, so rely on your lawyer.
If your husband balks at any of these simple requests, then we believe you should reconsider your inclination to reconcile.
Q: I'm confused. My husband and I have been separated for several months. We both have seen lawyers. I want to try to reconcile, but my lawyer insists that I file a lawsuit to protect myself. How can I file for divorce, on the one hand, and go to counseling and try to reconcile, on the other?
A: In many states, the filing of a suit for divorce or separation "vests" the property rights of a spouse. Not to file and vest your rights might mean that your share of the marital property could be lost or diminished -- for example, if your husband wasted the assets or filed for bankruptcy after the separation, you could find yourself without a remedy.
Your lawyer is correct in advising you to protect yourself, even though it's true there is a fine line between protecting yourself and trying to effect reconciliation. You probably never thought you would end up separated in the first place. How you choose to go from here is a decision only you can make after reviewing all the facts.
Q: My wife are I are each 65 and have decided to call it quits. No real reason, but we both know it's over. I am concerned about health care expenses if we get divorced because my employer has stopped providing coverage for all employees and is closing down. I will start drawing retirement, but I don't know how much because part of the money was invested in one of those insurance companies that went bankrupt. My wife has been quite ill lately. Do you have any ideas?
A: With tough economic times ahead for most people over age 65, it could be a tragic mistake for you to call it quits. Why? Here are some of the reasons. First, your wife will get a part of your disappearing retirement. Second, unless you agree it won't be sold, your home may be put on the market for sale. Third, the average monthly out-of-pocket health care expenses for women over 65 are nearly $150. Fourth, only a third of health care expenses will be paid by Medicare.
Unless you are a real glutton for punishment, consider staying married, perhaps living in separate parts of the house, and facing the uncertain future together, not separately.
Jan Collins Stucker is an award-winning writer and editor. Jan Warner is a matrimonial, elder, and tax attorney. Both are based in Columbia, South Carolina. Flying Solo is seen in newspapers throughout the United States. Please email your questions to janwarner@flyingsolo.com or by mail to P.O.Box 11704, Columbia, SC 29211.
