Question: My husband and I are now in what my lawyer says is the “discovery stage” of my divorce. For the last three months I’ve seen reams of paper asking computer-generated questions and seeking documents he already has. I find this ridiculous – not to mention unnecessarily expensive. My attorney tells me it is part of his obligation to me. I say that he is unnecessarily increasing my obligation to him. Why can’t we just get on with it?

Answer: “Discovery” refers to the ability of parties to a lawsuit to gather and disclose information to each side -- financial and otherwise – before the trial so that – theoretically, at least – “Trial by Ambush” is avoided.

In most family law cases, both spouses will be asked not only to produce documents and records, but also to respond to questions both in writing and orally. It is essential for both sides to provide full information and documentation for trial and perhaps a basis for meaningful settlement discussions.

That said, depending on the relationship of the lawyers involved, discovery may be as informal as a telephone call, or as formal as the “reams of paper” you’ve received. Only by approaching the discovery and disclosure process in the spirit of cooperation can parties reduce the time required and the cost of the case.

Understanding and keeping up with the discovery process is very important in matrimonial cases. You should have strategy sessions with your attorney about what is being sought and why. Your input is essential; you should review the documents provided to opposing counsel. Without your active participation, you may lose control of your case status -- and potentially, your future. But, if your confident that you already hold everything your spouse may introduce into evidence, you can notify your lawyer -- in writing, of course – that you feel you have everything you need and proceed at your own risk.

Question: After a number of dysfunctional years, my wife and I separated on a conciliatory basis last year. I moved out and began paying enough voluntary support to take care of our two children. Although she works full time and is a good mother, she has begun dating regularly. I am considering suing for custody. Do I have enough to win?

Answer: If we could answer questions like yours, we would be in heavy demand by the more than 2 million folks who divorce each year and want to know their results before the judge rules.

From your perspective, however, it is important to step back and take a look at the situation from a judicial viewpoint. Generally, both parents are good people who, in the heat of the moment, because of anger, revenge or negotiation ploys, become involved in custody litigation. Using child-based litigation for retaliation must be discouraged.

Oftentimes, parents with marital problems make custody claims without realizing the long-range implications, not the least of which is making public every negative aspect of their lives and going through months, even years, of litigation at enormous financial and emotional cost.

The proof of a child’s best interest resolves custody disputes. This proof is based on the facts of each case developed and presented to a judge who hears sworn testimony and reviews evidence, then decides between competing parents.

Before a child custody claim is made, you should complete a basic investigation to determine whether a claim is valid. If your wife's only vice is dating, we suggest that you rethink your position. Otherwise, find a matrimonial lawyer who can help you decide.