Question: My ex-wife has made it very difficult for me to see my two children during the past year even though there is a court order in place that gives me visitation on weekends, etc. I literally have to beg her to see the kids, and she takes great pleasure in making me squirm. This came to a head recently when she told me that because she did not have enough money to buy them Christmas presents, I could have time with them if I gave her extra money. I talked to a lawyer who told me there was no way to get into court on short notice over the holidays. I told the lawyer I was going to stop paying support if I did not get my visits, and he told me that was the wrong thing to do.

Should I pay her the extra money, and just bite my tongue? Why can’t I withhold support until I get my visitation straight?

Answer: Garden variety visitation that is not spelled out can -- and often does -- lead to disputes as you describe where parents like your former wife forget the interests of your children and use access to them to turn those screws just one more time to let you know who has the upper hand.

Visitation is a right that you, as the non-custodial parent, have to see your children. Court-ordered visitation should not be denied or limited unless there is a clear showing that the children would be endangered by child abuse, sexual abuse, kidnapping, etc. And, contrary to common belief, a young child stating he or she does not wish to see a non-custodial parent is usually insufficient to deny visitation.

In a perfect world, if the wording of your court order is clear and specific, your wife could be held in contempt for noncompliance. But, as you have learned, the world is not perfect. Given the onslaught of new cases, overburdened courts simply don’t have the time to hear continuing disputes about visitation between parents. And if the case is heard, it probably won’t be on an expedited basis because there is no “emergency” even though it is important to you and your children. And your former wife just might say that you did not show up for visitation or that there was a misunderstanding.

On the other hand, if you withhold child support, you can bet that you will be looking at a contempt proceeding because awards of child support are clear and specific as to both amount and time of payment. If you are in contempt and seek affirmative relief, most judges will tell you to get in compliance with the court order and then come back, because two wrongs don't make a right.

Therefore, if your visitation is being denied, the proper remedy is not to withhold child support. The course of action you should take, we believe, is to document through independent evidence that your former wife is selling you access to your children for extra money. This is a “no-no” and will certainly get the attention of a judge more quickly.

Question: My husband and I have been separated for several months. Our children, ages 8 and 11, are staying with me, but my husband has been brainwashing them during visitation, buying them gifts, and keeping the gifts over at his place. Now my children want to go live with my husband and his mother. I went to a lawyer who quoted me a high fee, telling me that custody cases are complicated. I've been told that if children this age tell the judge where they want to live, that's where they'll go. Am I missing something?

Answer: Yes. Contrary to popular belief, a child reaching age 12 or 14 is not a magical time’s when a child's preference will automatically be accepted by the court. In fact, although children's preferences are considered, they are not binding on the court. How much consideration a judge may give to a child's choice depends not only on the child's age, but also on the child's maturity, quality of reasons, the circumstances of each situation, and a number of other factors.

Because competing parents may try to persuade children toward their positions, it’s not unusual for courts to be influenced by whether the child's choice has changed during the separation or custody dispute. If one parent sabotages the relationship of the child with the other parent or uses money and finances to try to obtain custody, efforts should be made to even the playing field by asking the court to have your well-heeled husband and mother- in-law spread some of the wealth to you so that you can compete. Custody cases are lengthy and expensive, so fasten your seatbelt.