Question: My wife and I decided 15 years ago that after our last child was educated, we would divorce. Since that time, we have had separate bedrooms, pooled our incomes to pay the bills, and lived separate lives. We each have hour own refrigerators and have agreed on kitchen schedules so we don’t have to talk. The only times we have been together were when our children were engaged in sporting and school events. Each of us has kept our own funds separate from the other except for one joint checking account into which we each deposited our pro rata share of the monthly expenses. We determined the fraction for each of us by totaling our gross incomes and dividing each of our incomes by the total. Generally speaking, I have contributed nearly 60% and she, 40%.

Now that our youngest child has graduated from college, it is time to separate, but neither of us wants to leave the house because it will cost the one who leaves nearly 40% more to get comparable housing due to inflation. There is no fault as in adultery or abuse; it’s just that we don’t get along. I am 52 and she is 50. Each of us is self-supporting, and we have no debt. Each of us has inherited some property. Do you have any suggestions about how to move ahead with our plans without spending a lot of money on lawyers and finding ourselves in a “Divorce Court” type of situation?

Answer: Based upon your description of your relationship, it appears that you and your wife have gotten along better than many couples who don’t admit to having marital problems. You have been able to successfully navigate the difficult financial decisions that accompany marriage and educating children. You have been able to stop your arguments by arranging schedules that have not put you together except for short times. You have kept your funds segregated and can probably tell someone to the nickel how much each of you has contributed to the marital pot.

While lawyers serve an important role in advising individuals of their rights, here you seem to have one pure economic issue that, if not resolved amicably, could be transformed into a bevy of emotional issues which, in turn, could lead to you to litigation. For that reason, we do not believe your best interests would be served by the court system. Although courts define individual rights and obligations according to precise rules and procedures, courts can be costly, inefficient, and slow – meaning that the very question that needs to be resolved ultimately may not be.

That said, it would be a shame to have a falling out over which of you remains in the house. Here are some suggestions to determine this one issue: 1) The spouse who leaves your home could receive a negotiated amount of money from the home equity, or another source, to be able to purchase a similar dwelling that will cost more due to market conditions. 2) Think about continuing your separate, but together style of living that seems to be working for you. 3) Sell your home, divide the equity, and each of you can purchase a separate residence.

If you can’t work it out, think about alternate dispute resolution techniques that can give you private, faster, less expensive solutions with less emotional stress such as agreeing upon neutral third party to either mediate the dispute or arbitrate the issues according to relaxed rules and procedures. Mediation is a non binding way in which an impartial facilitator who has no coercive powers can begin an exchange and suggest solutions. Arbitration, on the other hand, places a third party who can be an expert in the field in a decision making position. This decision can be either binding or non binding, depending on your wishes.