Question: When my wife and I were divorced four years ago, she got custody of our two children and I was awarded visitation every other weekend, half of some holidays, and six weeks in the summer – most of which I can’t use because of my job.

Since my ex remarried, I have been getting the kids more than the court ordered because her new husband doesn't like the kids. I don’t want a custody fight, but I’m considering reducing my support payments because I’m spending more time with the kids and, therefore, more money. What do you think?

Answer: We think the best way to get taken back to court and to lose the extra time with your kids is to reduce your support payments without a court order.

First, the support payments were established by court order, and only the court can modify the terms. If you do this on your own, you may well find yourself cited for contempt – and that is no laughing matter.

Second, if you go back to court to try to get your support reduced, in all probability your ex will seek an increase. You could be in court a long time, spending money to fight over money.

Third, consider the situation from the standpoint of seeing your children. Right or wrong, if you use the fact that you are seeing them more as the reason to reduce their support, you can bet that your more liberal access to your children will be reduced to precisely what the divorce decree says.

Fourth, regardless of the time the children spend with you, your ex has continuing household expenses that must be paid. She purchases their clothes, maintains a house for them, and takes care of their other needs.

Don’t use your pocketbook as your guide. Things are not always fair when it comes to divorce and children. But when you look at the brighter side, you are getting what many non-custodial parents don't get: a good relationship with your children. And who knows, if things keep chugging along, you might wind up being the primary custodian.

Question: When we divorced, my wife got the kids and I got visitation. She remarried within six months and moved. My children are miserable because they were taken away from their friends and school. Their grades are suffering, and my ex and her new hubby are gone a lot. At 12 and 14, the kids are running with the wrong crowd. My lawyer told me that if I chose to do anything, I’d probably have to hire a psychologist to evaluate the children, get a guardian ad litem for them, and it would take a year or more to resolve. My divorce was financially devastating to me, so I am living with my parents who are willing to help. What do you suggest?

Answer: Evaluating the children is only one step in what can be a long, difficult process. If children of this age prefer to live with you, are not supervised, are having difficulty in school, and don’t get along with their stepfather, assuming you have a stable home for them, you may have good reason to bring an action for custody change. While not a slam-dunk, you could seek temporary custody pending a final determination. While you can’t assume your ex will take this lying down, if you believe you will make a better home for your children, go for it.