Question: My husband and his ex divorced four years ago. She went ballistic when she found out he was seeing me, but I didn’t even know him when they broke up. She insisted on the following wording in the court order regarding their two young children who are in her custody: “both parties shall maintain a moral environment for the children and shall not have them in the presence of anyone with whom either party has a romantic interest”. She also insisted that on my husband’s weekends, she could pick up the children to take them to church Sunday mornings even though she never went to church when they were living together.

Because of the restriction on “romantic interest” and because I have a child of my own, we married several months after his divorce. Since then, she has never picked up the children on Sunday. We had heard bits and pieces from the children that she had been seeing a number of different men since the divorce and that they have been taking trips with her and her “friends” on her weekends.

We just found out that the she and her current boyfriend (and his three children) took a week vacation. Here is our question: If the court order state the children are not to be in the presence of a romantic interest of either party, which is what we think she’s doing, is there any way we could sue for custody? We don’t want to file another lawsuit until we are sure there is a good chance we can win because her mom pays for her attorneys. Should we hire an investigator or just learn to live with this injustice? The nine year old is now wetting the bed and failing in school, and the five year old is pulling out her hair in clumps. We worry that if we don't sue, the children will require counseling which, of course, we will pay for.

Answer: To coin an old adage, your husband’s “Ex” may have been “hoisted by her own petard” – that is, caught in her own trap. And to coin another wise saying, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander”.

Here, your husband’s ex appears to have been so acrimonious about the breakup of her marriage that she asked the court to set standards for your husband that she never envisioned could or would apply to her. It also appears that instead of taking into consideration the welfare of the children, she has made a number of unwise choices in her quest for whatever she is looking for, has exposed the children to unhealthy situations, and has done so with impunity.

Bedwetting, decline in school performance, and pulling out hair are definite signs of disturbances in children that can’t be ignored. Exposure of a child to situations that fall outside norm in a custodial environment can pose a serious danger to the child's physical, mental, moral, and emotional health that may justify a change in custody. A custodial environment should include parental care, discipline, love, guidance and attention appropriate to the child’s age and needs -- both physical and psychological. This includes security, stability and permanence.

Where the environment provided is inconsistent with appropriate parenting and subjects a child to pressures about morality and family stability, it may well be time for a change. Based on your side of the facts, there appears to be genuine questions about the stability of the children. If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s probably not. We suggest you contact an experienced lawyer in your locale to help you.