Question: My husband is a state law enforcement officer, and I work in a child day care center for just over minimum wage. We have two school-aged children. During most of our 11-year marriage, my husband has been verbally abusive to me and threatens me continuously if I do something he does not like. He has pulled his pistol and pointed it at me. Last week, he pulled his gun, made me open my mouth, and held the pistol barrel in my mouth while he threatened me. Our children heard us arguing, came in and saw me, and called 911, and my husband was forced to leave our home until a hearing.

My husband told me that if I prosecute him for domestic abuse, he will lose his job, it will be my fault, and neither I nor the children will get any support if I get him fired. He says this means no support, no health insurance, no nothing.

I have put up with his tirades and threats for years. Most of the lawyers in our town know him, and he has done favors for many of them. In addition, my husband knows all of the judges, and since I have no proof except my word and what my young children have seen, I am worried that he will get off and make it even harder on me. I feel trapped in an abusive relationship that is not getting any better, with no way out.

Answer: According to one survey, almost a third of all women in America report physical or sexual abuse by a live-in partner during their lives. In addition to the effect on the woman, children often bear the burden of abuse for years to come, even though many have never witnessed the abuse first-hand.

We understand that you must make a very difficult decision, but it is time: 1) to take advantage of the situation and end this abusive relationship, or 2) continue to place yourself and your children at risk of bodily harm. Under the circumstances, we don’t see that you have a choice.

If you feel you can’t trust a lawyer in your town because of politics, find one outside your husband’s sphere of influence. If your lawyer believes, in good faith, that you will not be able to get a fair trial, he will have to be prepared to move to disqualify the judge.

Your situation is reminiscent of a recent case in the state of Washington where, because a wife protected herself against domestic abuse and her law enforcement husband lost his job, the trial judge penalized her financially for “marital fault” that caused his loss of employment. The Washington Supreme Court not only reversed the trial judge’s decision as an abuse of discretion, but also sent the case back for a new trial before another judge.

In its decision, the high court called attention to the numerous, but erroneous and unreasonable, remarks by the trial judge that the wife should have known that by getting an order of protection, her husband would lose his job, not be able to pay his debts, and would have a difficult time becoming reemployed.

SoloFact: With health insurance the expensive commodity it is today, we suggest that dependent spouses who are going through divorce proceedings look at as many options for health insurance as they can before – not after – the divorce takes place. This is especially true where dependent spouses are in good health and can secure individual health policies, rather than being tied to large group coverage where COBRA premiums are escalating. High-deductible health plans (HDHP’s) with tax-deductible Health Savings Accounts (HAS’s) may be good alternatives for healthy dependent spouses.