Question: Soon after we married 15 years ago, my wife’s parents said we could move into a house they own right next door to them and not pay rent. All we had to do was to pay the taxes, insurance and upkeep so we could put away some money and begin our family. At first, this seemed to make sense, but the offer to help us out has turned into “interference central.” Her mother never lets me forget how much she has done for us, and my wife has turned into a miniature version of her mother, a conniving shrew who bosses me around just like her mother bosses around her henpecked husband.

My father-in-law told me privately that I should get out while the getting was good so that I wouldn’t wind up like him; I left three months ago while I still had my masculinity. But my wife and her mother have kept true to their promise to keep me from my children, who have been poisoned against me for years. My 13-year-old daughter calls me a lazy parasite and says she won’t go anywhere with me until I get treatment for my psychiatric problems. My wife claims that my nine-year-old does not want to visit me, either. She has taken both kids to some sort of therapist who won’t talk to me because she said it would violate my children’s right to privacy. Both are doing poorly in school.

I don’t want to harm my children, but I do want to visit them and stop this constant bashing. I am concerned that no matter what I do or say, my wife and mother-in-law will continue to talk negatively about me to my children. I pay support voluntarily and am paying the bills. Is there anything I can do to 1) save my children and 2) get out of this mess without my wife and mother-in-law taking bites out of my hide?

Answer: Even though your relationship with your wife is beyond repair, in most situations a good dose of family counseling would probably be in order to deal with children’s issues. Based on what you tell us, however, the situation has escalated well beyond that point. Given the fact that reputable therapists try to get all of the pertinent family history and information available when treating children -- including speaking with both parents -- the counselor’s excuse that talking to you would breach your children’s rights to privacy is hollow. It appears that your wife – and possibly her mother – engaged a counselor with a sympathetic ear in order to validate the fact that they are right and you are wrong.

Dealing with teenagers and preadolescents today is difficult enough without parents – and other family members -- adding an additional layer of problems. We suggest that you engage a matrimonial lawyer who can help you get before a judge. The judge can help sort out these thorny issues by appointing a guardian ad litem for your children, designating a neutral therapist, and putting some teeth in orders to restrain your wife and mother-in-law from bashing you in the presence of your children.

In retrospect, the fact that the counselor hired by your wife would not talk to you will be beneficial to your case to show her bias. The history given to this therapist by your wife and mother-in-law should be quite telling. And we don’t believe that either your wife or her mother will be able to stay focused on “children’s issues” because of their disdain for you – and quite possibly all men. Without intervention, it is likely that your daughter will carry on the “family tradition.”

In the final analysis, if the circumstances are as you describe them, we would not be surprised to see harsh penalties dealt to those who spend their time poisoning children against a parent which, we believe, is an insidious form of child abuse. You should be ready for a long, difficult, and expensive journey, but you should keep the faith that you can overcome the difficult odds – unlike your father-in-law, who gave you good advice but suffers the consequences for not taking it himself.