Question: My only sister has been emotionally abused and intimidated by her husband for most of their seven-year marriage, but the last year has been the worst. She is only a shell of the person she used to be.

I am concerned because she has lost a third of her body weight in the past year – down to 90 pounds -- and is now losing her hair. He has cut her off financially, taken away her transportation, made her quit her job, won’t let her attend church, and makes her stay home all day. He has cut her off from her family and friends and forbids her to give out their unlisted telephone number. There is no computer in the house. She tells me that he has had video cameras and sound detectors and recorders installed all over the house, and because she does not know where they are, she is afraid he will know if she does anything he does not want her to do.

She will talk to me only if I come to her house and stay in my car in her driveway. I have tried to get her to a counselor and to call the police, but she says she can’t because it is her word against his and he has a responsible job. He tells her that he wants her all to himself because he loves her. She is afraid to leave because he tells her that no one will believe her and that since he has not hit her, the courts will do nothing for her. Is there anything I can do to help?

Answer: We have talked to several experts in this area, and it appears your brother-in-law has been slowly cutting your sister off from friends, family, and community to increase her dependence on him. The use of isolation is similar to tactics used in hostage situations where loss of contact with the outside world and fear of constant surveillance – whether real or perceived – destroy the hostage’s ability and will to escape.

By taking her car, her job, and her access to money, he is ensuring that she is totally dependent on him and must ask for what she needs, assuming she is still capable of knowing what she needs. By terminating her ability to attend church, he is attacking her spirituality in his efforts to further control her, and is keeping her away from possible support.

Even though he may not have physically hit her, he is abusing her nonetheless because emotional abuse can include not only verbal assaults, but also non-verbal tactics. For example, an abuser raising an eyebrow sends a powerful message without third persons understanding the abuse.

What to do: First, we suggest that you get your sister’s permission to assist her. If she won’t give it, you must decide whether to take this matter into your own hands. If you do, we suggest that you hire a counselor and lawyer for your sister. Bring them with you to your next visit. Once they hear her story, we suggest that private investigators be hired to enter the house, sweep for cameras and recorders, and photograph the inside of her home. Copies of financial records and any evidence in the residence that corroborates the abuse should be catalogued and removed. Your sister should be taken to a physician and probably hospitalized. The police should be contacted, and your sister can either stay in a shelter or with you in the interim. An action should be brought in the family court as quickly as possible, and if your sister won’t bring it and you believe she is incapacitated, you can bring it as her “next friend.”