Question: When my husband was away for a golfing weekend several months ago, I opened his briefcase to look for the latest issue of news magazines that he usually brings home from his office each week. Instead, I found some papers tucked away in his dental periodicals that contained detailed instructions from a divorce lawyer about how to set me up for a separation – including getting me to admit I had not been a good wife and taping me so a judge could later hear the tapes, and turning our children against me.

After spending most of the morning crying because this was the last thing I expected after 18 years of marriage and three children, I called a girlfriend and, based on her advice, copied the papers, put them back where I had found them, and waited to see if my husband followed these instructions.

Sure enough, during the past weeks he has begun trying to lead me into conversations about what he called my “poor housekeeping,” my drinking (I only drink a glass of wine occasionally when out with him), and problems I had with my family when I was a child. I could see that when he started these conversations, he would have his hand in his pocket fidgeting with what I believe was a tape recorder.

Instead of taking the bait, each time he started, I began talking about his poor hygiene, him being away from me and the children too much, and what I believe are issues he should work on. This infuriated him and he moved out of the bedroom. Then he said he either wanted me to move out for a while so he could “get his head straight,” or he would move out. I have decided that I am not going to move out, and he now says he wants to go to marriage counseling with me.

Since I now know that my husband wants out of the marriage and I believe he is seeing someone else, I don’t know whether to continue to live at home for the children’s sake, go to counseling, or take some other kind of action.

Answer: Understanding this is a tough decision, there are several factors we believe you should consider before making it:

1) Since you know that your husband has seen a lawyer and has been planning to end your relationship by subterfuge, he is also probably trying to get his finances in order to try to make sure you get as little as possible.

2) Since you know he has been talking to a lawyer, it would be foolish to attend counseling sessions with anyone that he (or his lawyer) recommends since, based on his conduct, he will probably try to use these sessions to “set you up” and have a witness to what he couldn’t get you to say on tape.

3) Begin getting your financial house in order by securing as many financial records as you can, and get some good legal advice. If you ask your certified public accountant for copies of your tax returns, your husband will find out, so go to your state department of revenue and order as many past returns as you can. Then have them sent to the post office box you should get for your personal mail.

You are fortunate to have found the letters from his lawyer, as they should be good evidence of your husband’s bad faith in this process.