Question: Before I go to a lawyer and make a fool of myself, I decided to write you on the condition that you do not print my name or address for fear of retaliation from my husband. Here goes:

My husband and I got married 18 months ago. We are both 31 and are both college graduates. We both worked until three months ago when he was terminated from his job of seven years. Since then, I have continued to work (I am a registered nurse), and he has been looking for work (he is an accountant, but not a CPA) without much success.

Since he has been staying home and I have been working, I asked if he would help out around the house. Although he initially agreed, he has become very sullen and, for the past month, has not only refused to clean up, but also has not bathed or shaved. Yet, during the holiday season, he has insisted on attending parties to which we were invited by friends, and also meals with my family (his family lives across the country, and he does not get along with them).
His appearance is embarrassing to me, but when I mention something to him about it, he gets defensive and says I don’t love him. And even worse is his body odor. His hair and beard are so greasy that his pillow looks like someone put cooking oil on it. He has totally let the house go to pot, wears the same clothes every day, and wonders why I am not interested in having sex with him.

I have tried to talk him into counseling, but he refuses. I am a private person, but had to turn to my parents who told me to see a lawyer and get a divorce. I have tried to read about similar situations, but can’t find anything helpful. I am convinced I want out, but I am embarrassed and ashamed. Would I be laughed out of court?

Answer: While a judge in your neck of the woods will have to make the final decision, generally speaking, courts have traditionally determined that where there are irreconcilable and deep-seated personality conflicts that make a normal marital relationship impossible, separations are justified. In some states, depending on the law, his conduct may be a ground for divorce.

It would be ludicrous to think that if his lifestyle is diametrically incompatible with yours, you would be expected to do more than you are doing. While it appears your husband has some kind of emotional difficulty, if he refuses help and his personal hygiene is as you describe, you must make a decision.

While every state promotes the sanctity of marriage, your situation seems to have gone far afield from the relationship you and your husband had at the time of marriage. Thankfully, you and he have not brought children into these bizarre circumstances.

What to do: First of all, since you must corroborate your complaints, take as many photographs as you can to document the appearances of both your house and your husband. Then make an appointment with an attorney whom you believe will be able to help you, and salvage as much of your life and future as you can.