Question: After a year of living together while trying to negotiate an agreement to separate, my husband and I finally appeared to be close to getting it written down and finalized so we could go our separate ways. In order to avoid the expense, neither of us has a lawyer. I was to have custody of our three children and use of the house, but at the last minute, my husband insists he wants the house and will pay me 60 percent for my half. I agreed, but then two of the children said they wanted to stay in the house with him. I am having second thoughts and don't know if I can go through with this based on these last-minute changes. I feel like a yo-yo. There must be a better way.

Answer: While negotiating an agreement in matrimonial cases is hard enough when you are living separately, those who try it while living together under adverse circumstances tell us that it is even worse. At the same time, under some conditions, it may be a mistake for either party to leave until a formal arrangement is made – that is, so long as there is no threat of physical harm.

Depending on the law of your state of residence, these “special” circumstances may include 1) when one spouse does not have sufficient finances to live separately and must wait until a deal is made in order to move out and begin a separate life; 2) when neither spouse has committed a marital fault and, therefore, neither may have legal justification to leave; or 3) when both spouses have committed marital faults. In all of these instances, readers tell us that the emotional drain of living together while working out a deal is significant. One reader said of leaving too quickly: “If you think you are miserable living with your spouse in relative economic comfort, just think how miserable you would be if you were separated but did not have enough to make ends meet.”

Here, after more than a year of living together while you waited for the economic deal to be completed so you could leave, your husband seems to have outflanked you: At the last minute, he is offering your children an opportunity to continue to stay in familiar surroundings – but with him, rather than you. Whether living together or separately, it is not all that unusual for the economically superior spouse to take advantage of the desire of the other to get out of the marriage by stringing out the negotiating process, bringing negotiations to the brink of an arrangement, and then changing the terms and waiting for capitulation.

What can you do? We don’t necessarily believe that your husband has not gotten the advice of an attorney. We think that you should have gotten legal advice from the “get- go” if for no other reason than learning your rights rather than being “yo-yo’ed” and probably placing yourself in legal jeopardy. If you have a water leak, you call a plumber to fix it. If your car stalls, you call a mechanic to take care of it. Yet, here you are, facing life-changing circumstances, and you’re trying to wing it. Call an experienced lawyer now and try to salvage the situation.