Question: I am 61 and have been divorced twice. For the last three years, I have been living with a woman four years younger who was divorced once. Each of us has grown children, all of whom are unhappy with our relationship. While we have talked about marriage, we each have health problems, are middle class, and don’t want to burden the other with the financial burdens of the cost of care should one of us be put in a nursing home. We are both still working, and understand that even a premarital agreement won’t cancel out our responsibility to each other for long-term care should that need arise.

We are at a crossroads. One of her children won’t allow his family to spend time with us unless we marry because he thinks our relationship is immoral. If we marry or not, how can we solve these difficult problems?

Answer: According to statistics, the number of “Ozzie and Harriett” nuclear families are on a rapid decline. And, growing numbers of unmarrieds over 40 who have been divorced or widowed can’t decide whether to remarry.

Even though marriage brings economic plusses like Social Security Survivor’s Benefits and the marital deduction for those few with taxable estates, there are also economic minuses, including responsibility for each other’s necessaries and health care, not to mention state-by-state requirements that, absent a premarital agreement or valid waiver, each spouse must provide a fixed percentage of his or her estate to the survivor.

Whether you marry or not, planning is essential.

IF YOU CHOOSE TO MARRY: Through an appropriate premarital agreement or estate waiver, you and your partner can decide how your estates will be divided. If you wish to change the beneficiary of a qualified retirement plan from your spouse to another, an appropriate waiver should be signed after the marriage. You will need durable powers of attorney and health care powers of attorney to ensure that your intentions are carried out should you become incapacitated. To avoid the responsibility of paying for each other’s nursing home bills, you should consider purchasing long-term care insurance, which, at your ages and health conditions, may be too expensive or not available. Before you title property in joint names, make sure you understand the consequences. And, in lieu of leaving estates to your children, think about a last-to-die policy with all children as beneficiaries in some fair percentage.

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO MARRY: Sign health care powers of attorney so that, should either of you become incapacitated, your health care decisions can be made by each other or by chosen family members. Without specific provisions, your children could keep your live-in partner from visiting you. Sign appropriate durable powers of attorney regarding who makes the financial decisions for you should you become incapacitated -- or face a race to the courthouse to have a judge decide. Without written documents spelling out your directions, family members have priority in both health care and financial areas. You can pass your estate as you wish through your will through the titling of assets and through beneficiary designations on life insurance, IRA’s, and qualified retirement plans. But some 401(k) plans restrict payment of employer contributions to family members. You and your partner may want to consider a cohabitation agreement. Each of you should maintain separate health insurance.

Either way, rely on the advice of a qualified lawyer in your community.