Question: I have been married for 13 years to lawyer who is also a county politician and knows everybody. He is 15 years older than I. We have two children, and he has three by his first two marriages, and has no relationship with any of them.

Long story short, after putting up with his verbal abuse, drinking, and womanizing for years and his refusal to go to counseling, I borrowed some money from my mother and hired a lawyer. Somehow, my husband learned about it, intimidated me into doing nothing, and promised to go to counseling. We went to a counselor whom I now find out was handpicked by my husband. This counselor sent me to a psychiatrist who promptly put me on anti-depressants even though my “depression”, if that is what you call it, stems from my bad relationship with my husband.

During the last six months, my husband has been a model father which I thought was part of his effort to reconcile, but now my husband has sued me, claiming I am emotionally unstable and seeking custody of our children.

The lawyer I spoke with before won’t represent me again without a substantial retainer I can’t afford because, he says, the mental illness claims will cost a lot of money to defend, and because I have made the case a lot more difficult. He also says that having lost the proof I once had, I have put myself in a bad position. I don’t know what to do or where to turn.

Answer: While it is not uncommon for people in the midst of marital difficulties to second guess every step they take. Even when a person is sure that he or she wants to end the marriage and brings a lawsuit, there is often doubt. And many who have been divorced continue to wonder, years later, if they did the right thing.

However, a long history of drinking, abuse, and adultery by a "three-time loser" is not a forecast for a viable marriage. While preserving the marriage is important, your first obligation is to protect yourself and your children.

Using his experience, your husband threw out the bait and you took it: "Fire your lawyer and I promise to do better. I promise to go to counseling. Let's not give it all to the lawyers." But you didn't have to. Rather than fire your lawyer, you could have asked the court to put things on hold for 60 days to allow you and your husband to seek counseling. If it worked, then you could have dropped your suit; if it did not, then you could have proceeded.

You were lucky to find an advocate willing to take on your husband. As you are now finding out, firing your lawyer for reasons other than his not doing the job was shortsighted under the circumstances. Six months is a long time when it comes to martial litigation, especially where you have allowed your husband to become the doting father while you are the mentally ill mother based on determinations made by a diagnostic team effectively chosen by your husband. We agree with your lawyer that your decisions have adversely affected your legal positions and made your case much more difficult.

We suggest that you find a way to secure the retainer and rehire your lawyer or hire a good lawyer to represent your interests.