Dear Jans: I am a divorced male and have been reading your column in our local paper for years. While I generally appreciate your candor and good advice, I have some comments that you may or may not want to hear or print, but here goes anyway:

What happened to me, I believe, happens to a lot of men: The wife takes off without a reason and then thinks she can get a no-fault divorce, take the children out of the father’s life, and still expect the father to pay support. I believe there is too much focus on how women can “win” custody of children and gain financial freedom at the father’s expense. Not only is this wrong, but it also puts the children in the horrible situation of not seeing their father, who in many instances, is a role model that the children need.

I can’t understand why some women think that just because they get tired of a relationship, they have the right to take the children out of the father’s life. Over the years, having read many of your readers’ questions in your columns – and having gone through my own situation – I believe that it is done for dollars and control, not out of love or consideration for the children. All things being equal, if people grow tired of a relationship and want to dissolve it, children should not be used as pawns for monetary gain.

Isn’t it more reasonable to get a fair financial settlement and not try to drag the husband under the bus for the rest of his life to punish him for what you think he did or didn’t do? I believe that most fathers give up in the custody and visitation area because the deck is stacked against them, and because it is hard to fight the system. I fought back as hard as I could and got the 50/50 split that both my children and I wanted.

Trying to remove children from your spouse because you don’t like your spouse is reprehensible. It traumatizes the children. I don’t think you put enough emphasis on this in your columns. Believe it or not, most dads love their kids.

I feel that parenting is a team effort – before, during, and after divorce. Children need that security. More emphasis about this in your replies could go a long way toward helping parents and children. I know my children did not like having to go through home studies and appear before judges in my case. I get defensive when a person finds out I'm divorced and says to me "Oh, do you get to see your kids at all?" When I answer, "Why, yes, every other day," they look at me as though I’m an aberration. It would be nice if it weren't normal to ask such a question.

Answer: We agree that in a perfect world, parents with cool heads can best resolve matrimonial disputes by settlements that are much less traumatic for their children -- and less expensive. Unfortunately, cooler heads do not prevail among many of those involved in the 1.2 million divorces that take place each year, and those are the folks who generally write us. We appreciate your input and agree that better decisions can be made by those who keep cooler heads.