Question: I am so mad at my lawyer I can't see straight. I am a 40 year old woman with no education and no job. I was married for 21 years to a 52 year old man who is the biggest control freak you ever saw. He paid the bills and give me an cash allowance for food and gasoline which was just enough for me and our three children to get by on. Every week for 21 years, he has made me bring him the receipts and balance the cash I spend. He told me and the counselor that he does this because his first wife left him holding the bag, and he wouldn't let it happen again.

I had thought about leaving him for years, but didn't have the guts. But I finally went to a lawyer to get a divorce. I live in a state where fault is a major consideration when it comes to alimony -- in fact, if a woman commits adultery, she gets no alimony. When my lawyer asked me, I confided that I had a brief affair six years ago, mostly out of frustration with my situation. I told him that my husband did not know about my affair, and he told me that if my husband did not raise my adultery in court, I would not have a problem.

I was comfortable that my husband could not prove anything, but I held my breath until I saw that my husband did not bring adultery up in his papers. We had an initial hearing, and still not a word about my affair. Then came the depositions. I was nervous, but my lawyer assured me that they would ask me mostly about money and property. But when I was sworn in, the first series of questions my husband's lawyer asked dealt with whether I had ever been unfaithful to my husband. I was floored and began hyperventilating. My lawyer objected and told me not to answer the questions. Both lawyers went to the judge who ruled that I had to answer. Then, not so sure what my husband knew, I admitted my affair.

Although I have custody of my children and my now ex-husband is paying child support, I received no alimony and no chance to go back to school. Although I got the house, the car, and a bank account, because I didn't have enough money to pay my bills, the house has been sold, the money is gone, and the kids and I have moved in with my parents. If my husband had committed adultery, he would not have lost anything. Why are the courts so unfair to women? I blame my lawyer for putting me in this mess. I know there's nothing that can be done now, but I hope that other women will learn from my mistakes.

Answer: Some state laws do penalize "spouses" who commit adultery by terminating their right to support. Practically speaking, with many more women collecting alimony than men, these laws do seem to unfairly penalize women; however, whether these laws violate the Equal Protection Clause of the United States Constitution is too complex a question to take up here.

As far as your lawyer's advice to you is concerned, we believe that he should have advised you early on that once you are sworn to tell the truth in a deposition, you can generally be required to answer any questions which are relevant to your case. So long as the information sought from you appears to be reasonably calculated to lead to the discovery of admissible evidence, you must answer, even if your answer would not be admissible at the trial.

In some instances, lawyers agree to limit the scope of discovery or seek an order of the court called a protective order; however, when it comes to matrimonial cases, there are few limitations on discovery. Your husband's lawyer asked appropriate questions, and you should have been warned in advance that you could be facing this line of questioning. Then you would have been able to make the decision to either 1) stay in the marriage or 2) take your chances as you did.

SoloFact: In order to fix alimony payments so that they are not subject to increase or reduction in the future, divorce planning may include "Alimony Trusts" which cause the trust income to be taxed to the recipient without a corresponding deduction to the contributor. But there are other planning tools that may better fit the parties' situation.

Jan Collins is an award-winning writer and editor. Jan Warner is a matrimonial, elder law, and tax lawyer. Both are based in Columbia, South Carolina.

Please send questions by e-mail to janwarner@flyingsolo.com or by mail to P.O.Box 11704, Columbia, South Carolina 29211.