It Is Always Wise To Protect Yourself After Reconciliation.

Question: When I learned two months ago that my husband had been having an affair with a mutual acquaintance, I hit the roof. We have been married for 15 years, and have two small children. He was remorseful and promised to break it off, so rather than say it was over, I told him that I would give him a second chance and we are going to counseling. Only time will tell if the trust can be rebuilt and the marriage saved, but in the meantime I feel like I should be protecting myself just in case it doesn't work out. Even though we are in counseling, do I contact a lawyer and at least make copies of all our assets, tax returns, etc.? A part of me feels the need to cover myself to protect my children, but I feel guilty. What should I do?

Answer: While we wholeheartedly agree with the counseling process and the need to preserve the marital relationship, under these circumstances, we think you should follow your instincts, copy all the documents you can, and remain on guard until your feeling of trust returns.

Question: After 17 years of marriage, my husband left me. I have no assets in my name, no money, and no credit. I have gone to an attorney who wants a retainer fee which I can't afford. How do women who have been kept in the dark financially afford to hire lawyers?

Answer: Very creatively. If you have relatives, discuss a loan with them. If you have jewelry or antiques, you might use it as collateral for a loan -- or try to work an arrangement with the lawyer to take it as security for the fee. Depending on where

you live, your property rights might be vested when you file for divorce or separation. If so, these "assets" might serve as security. We understand that there are even groups of

"investors" cropping up who purchase future property rights for discounted amounts. No matter which road you choose, be sure you understand all of the ramifications of the transaction before you enter into it.

Q: My wife and I have been separated for nearly nine months. She took our child began living with another man, so I filed for divorce. We have been to court twice, and I got temporary custody of our son. Now my wife says she is sorry and wants to come back home. I'd like to believe her, but I think she knows that she's going to lose and wants to reconcile. My lawyer tells me it's up to me. I don't know what to do.

A: It is up to you, but before you do anything, you need to know your options. If your wife was gone for nine months and moved in with another man, it appears to us that there is a pretty significant breach in your relationship. The attempt by your wife to solve her problems by talking you into taking her back may well be a ploy.

Before you take her back, it might be a good idea for you and your wife to get marriage counseling so you can confront her with your mistrust. Remember: Taking her home and forgiving her means you condone her actions and you can't bring them up again unless she gives you reason to believe she is doing it again later -- and this might be expensive to prove.

It may be that you and she should consider a reconciliation agreement so that you can resume your co-habitation for a predetermined length of time, and if it doesn't work out, then your rights will not be jeopardized. Ask your lawyer about a reconciliation agreement through which you may be able to preserve your rights should renewed cohabitation not work out.

Q: My second husband died last year after we had been married for nearly two years. I have two children by a previous marriage, but none with my late husband. His ex-wife has two children. I just found out that she and her children are drawing Social Security. As his widow, can I draw payments, too?

A: Not as his widow, but since you and he were married for more than 9 months, your children -- his stepchildren -- can draw on his work record. And, depending on your income, you might also qualify for benefits as a young mother until your youngest child

reaches age 16. You should call your local Social Security office to get more information about this benefit.

SoloFacts: This is the second of 12 financial pitfalls that should be avoided at divorce. If you miss any of the 12, visit www.flyingsolo.com, click on "Divorce" and then on "Frequently Asked Questions." Pitfall #2: ot Developing Alternative Sources of Income. The financially dependent spouse -- often the wife -- may put aside career development in favor of raising the family, never suspecting that divorce will pay an unsuspected visit. And many are not aware that divorce courts may force them into the job force, even though they lack the training or their credentials are out of date. Unless there is a disability involved, this is a great time to get some career counseling and to go back to school. So, think about a settlement that includes money for tuition, books, and living expenses while attending school and getting a career on track or back on track. There's nothing like knowledge and a fulfilling career to bolster self-esteem and to get your mind in focus.

Jan Collins is an award-winning writer and editor. Jan Warner is a matrimonial, elder law, and tax attorney. Both are based in Columbia, South Carolina. Flying Solo is distributed nationally by Knight Ridder Tribune News Service.

Please send your questions by email to janwarner@flyingsolo.com or by mail to P.O.Box 11704, Columbia, S.C. 29211.


Posted: July 29, 1999