Question: I have been married to a prominent professional for 14 years, and we have two small children. This is my first marriage, his third, and he is 18 years older than I am. Things seemed to be fine until after the birth of our second child when, because of my need to care for our children, I was no longer “available” for him and could not take all the trips I was once able to take. From then until now, I have put up with his abuse, drinking, and womanizing. I finally went to counseling (he refused to go) and, on the advice of my counselor, hired a lawyer to get me out of the relationship.

After some bitter months, we were nearing a settlement, but I let my husband talk me into dropping my suit, fired my lawyer, and took him back on the condition that we would go to counseling and get our marriage on track. He refused to go to counseling and, after a month, he was back to his old tricks. My counselor referred me to a psychiatrist who has prescribed anti-depressants. Now my husband has sued me for a separation, saying that I am emotionally unstable and should not have custody of our children. The lawyer who originally represented me was really good, but he won’t take my case again, saying that I did not take his advice before and that have now put myself in hole. I have seen other lawyers, but they don’t seem to be very interested in my case. I am very frightened that I may lose my children. I am only 36 years old. Is there anything I can do?

Answer: Even when a person is sure that he or she wants to end the marriage and brings an action for divorce, there is often lingering doubt during the proceedings. And many who have been divorced continue to wonder, years later, if they did the right thing. But a long history of drinking, abuse, and adultery by a "three-time loser" is not a forecast for a viable marital relationship. While preserving the marriage is important, your first obligation is to protect yourself and your children.

Even though your counselor referred you to a lawyer and your lawyer was helping you, when your husband threw out the bait, you took it: "Fire your lawyer and I promise to do better. I promise to go to counseling. Let's not give it all to the lawyers." But you didn't have to. Rather taking the drastic route suggested by your husband, you could have asked your lawyer to have the court put things on hold for 60 or 90 days in order to allow you and your husband to seek counseling. If you and he were able to work things out, then you could have dropped your suit; if things did not, then you could have proceeded.

You were fortunate to find a counselor and a lawyer willing to take on your "high profile" husband. As you are now finding out, firing your lawyer for reasons other than his not doing the job was shortsighted.

Bottom line: Instead of having the upper hand in a case that focused on your husband’s fault and finances, you now find yourself in the position of defending your mental health in a custody case in which your husband has the resources to wear you down. You may now be seen by the legal community as a "problem client" with baggage that some may not wish to handle. In the reality of today's world, lawyers do not want to accept what they believe may be problem clients. We suggest that you try to begin the attorney selection process again, perhaps in another town, and that you make sure that you are well-funded.