Question: My husband and I have split for the third time in the past year, and it looks like we are headed for divorce. I have been a stay-at-home wife and mother for nearly 20 years at his request. He has handled all of the finances, and I know nothing except what he gives me each month to pay the household bills. He is a good businessman and has a number of lawyers at his disposal. This is all so overwhelming. Some friends tell me to hire a lawyer immediately, while others suggest that I get all the papers I can (but my husband does not keep anything at home). Where should I start?

Answer: You should start by going to your accountant, whom we assume prepared your joint tax returns for the past 20 years, to get copies of all of tax returns and all schedules which are attached. In this way, your lawyer and the professionals you hire will have a roadmap of income and investments. If the accountant tells you that he must get your husband’s permission before he gives you copies, you should remind him that he represents both you and your husband in the preparation of these returns and you are entitled to copies of what you signed each year.

Simultaneously, you should find an experienced matrimonial lawyer to represent you. But have no misunderstandings about the services that your lawyer will perform for you. Since he or she is not a marriage counselor, your lawyer should not be expected to make personal decisions for you. When you hire a lawyer, he or she is working for you to 1) evaluate the facts of your case and the legal issues involved and then advise you about your rights and obligations, 2) advocate your side in all aspects of the process, 3) negotiate a fair settlement under the circumstances of your case, and 4) provide you with competent referrals concerning the many non﷓legal issues which may arise﷓﷓﷓such as taxes and appraisals.

Your job is to prepare yourself, to be totally honest with your lawyer, and to provide complete information. Incomplete or bad information often means bad results.

Your relationship with your lawyer is one of trust. Anything you tell your lawyer one on one is privileged...That means your lawyer is duty﷓bound not to repeat your confidences. The same holds true for the lawyer's support staff. To maintain this privilege, DON'T bring others with you when you meet with your lawyer and DON'T discuss your case with friends or you will lose your privilege.

You may want to interview more than one lawyer before you make a decision because you should make sure that you are comfortable with your lawyer and the staff members who will be involved in your case. If, for any reason, you don't feel comfortable or if you later want a second opinion, discuss your feelings with your lawyer and get one. If your lawyer objects to you seeking a second opinion, you need a new lawyer.

Financial and insurance arrangements, in particular, require detailed and careful attention. But it is unfair and unrealistic to expect your lawyer, or any one individual, to be an expert on every subject involved in achieving a successful result. So ask about experts who can competently assist you on such issues as securing credit, controlled investment and insurance planning to meet your needs, real estate, skill evaluation and employment counseling, mortgages, and other non﷓legal matters.

Don't expect definite, precise answers to all of your questions. Lawyer's opinions are generally based upon ranges of probability which, in turn, are based upon the information you provide.

Anything not clearly covered in your divorce papers is probably lost forever. Plan now to try to avoid later misunderstandings because of ambiguities. Ask your lawyer to mail you copies of everything done in your case on a prompt basis. Keep a checklist and always be involved in the progress of your case.

The court system is simply one way in which disputes are decided. It has a language all its own and may seem complex, but there are rules and time limits. You need not be afraid of it, but you must respect it. Get a basic understanding of how the system operates so you will know what to expect and when. You may be interested in mediation and arbitration as alternatives to court. Ask your lawyer to explain these options.