Question: I have seen your column in our local paper for years, but never paid much attention to it because I thought my husband of 26 years and I were happy. Our two children have completed college and have jobs, and we had planned trips and more time together. I am a schoolteacher, and he works for the government. So I was shocked when he announced one evening that he was leaving me for another woman. My husband told me that he had not loved me for 15 years and stayed only until the children were educated. He packed his clothes and left. He told me that his lawyer would be in touch with me about our divorce which he wants as quickly as possible so he can remarry. I have run the emotional gamut from hurt to anger and back again and find myself wanting to punish him for hurting me in this way. Some say that I should go to counseling. Others say I should find the meanest lawyer around. What should I do first? Please don’t use my name.
Answer: Divorce is much more than simply terminating a relationship because it will necessitate wholesale life changes for both you and husband. Just like you create a course plan for teaching your students, you must establish a plan to guide you through the divorce process and into your new life. Like many, you may find that it is more difficult to make your divorce work than it was to make your marriage work.
While divorce may eliminate one set of problems, it raises lots of new ones that must be dealt with immediately: Your assets will be divided. The amount of money available for each of you -- and your expenses -- will change. Your retirement plans will change. You will have more responsibilities, and you will be making economic decisions alone. All while your emotions are in a tailspin.
To have a “successful divorce” – if there is such a thing – you must establish and focus on long range goals, separate your emotions from economics, and become informed. Whether you are paying or receiving, you will have less and living will cost you more.
Because you have invested 26 years of time and money in this relationship, you must protect your investment and keep your emotions on an even keel. You should hire a competent, experienced matrimonial lawyer and a certified public accountant to assist you. If you feel you need counseling, a mental health professional who is experienced in these issues may certainly help.
With your “team”, you must attempt to secure a fair and equitable resolution of the financial issues involved in the breakup of your “partnership”. Above all, be realistic. Perhaps, Emily Dickinson put it most appropriately:
