Question: When we married, I quit college and began working to help pay the bills. Three children and 26 years later, I am disabled and alone at age 46. My husband owns his own business and does very well. I applied for Social Security Disability last year. He left me early this year for a woman the age of our oldest daughter. As soon as he got a lawyer, his tune changed from thanking me for helping him to saying that despite my disability, I am able to do at least some kind of work. Although my lawyer agrees with me that this would be unfair, she tells me that we should try to settle because, as she puts it, one never knows how all of this will play out with the Court and she does not want to see my disability reduced. I am at my wit's end. Should I try to settle with my husband?

Answer: Unfortunately, the financially dependent spouse – often the wife -- puts her career development aside in favor of raising the family and helping her husband succeed -- never suspecting that divorce might sneak up on her or that a health problem might end an otherwise economically productive life. Depending on the facts, a family court judge could well require a dependent spouse, who has no training or whose credentials are out of date, to be trained or retrained so he or she can get back into the workplace to in his or her support. However, we disagree with your lawyer’s assessment of the situation as you describe it.

Since your medical condition meets the stringent requirements of Social Security Disability, career counseling and retraining won't help. To us, this means that your husband should be required to fully support you. Since Social Security Disability is not a means-tested program, you can receive all of the alimony the judge requires of your husband without penalty or reduction. We cannot understand how your lawyer could even think that you will not receive support or that your disability will be reduced.

Although we believe that folks should try to settle their differences, the settlement process involves a series of negotiations that move toward fair resolutions of the problems, not a complete surrender of your rights as a spouse. It appears to us that your husband is taking unreasonable positions, and that your lawyer is either inexperienced or not knowledgeable in this field. You should not only be entitled to your fair share of the assets, but also a reasonable amount of alimony, health insurance, and prescription drug expenses. After two years of Social Security Disability, you will qualify for Medicare, but will continue to need your husband’s coverage as a supplement.