Dear Jan and Jan: I had to respond to your recent column about the woman who cheated on her husband and then thought she could get a no-fault divorce, remove the children from his life, and expect him to pay for her support because the same thing happened to me. Your column seems to focus on how women can win custody of the children so they can gain financial freedom at another person’s expense. Not only is this the wrong thing to do, but also it puts the children in a bad situation of not seeing their father, who in most cases, is a role model that the children need in their lives.
Why do some women believe that just because they grow tired of a relationship, they have the right to take the children out of the father’s life? Many of the letters I read in your column – and my own situation -- make me think it’s done for money and control, not out of love for the children. All things being equal, if I grew tired of my relationship and wanted to dissolve it, children should not be used as pawns for monetary gain.
Isn’t it more reasonable to get a fair financial settlement and not to put hooks into that person and drag him around behind you for the rest of his life to punish him for what you think he did or didn’t do? I believe that most fathers give up in the custody and visitation area because the deck is stacked against them, and because it is hard to fight the system. I fought back as hard as I could and got the 50/50 split that both my children and I wanted.
Trying to remove children from your spouse because you do not like him or her is a reprehensible thing to do. It traumatizes the children. I do not feel you put enough emphasis on this in your columns. Believe it or not, most dads love their kids.
I feel that parenting is a team effort – before, during, and after divorce. Children need that security. I believe more emphasis about this in your replies could go a long way toward helping parents and children. I know my children did not like having to go through home studies and having to appear before judges in my case. I get defensive when a person finds out I'm divorced and says to me "Oh, do you get to see you kids at all?" When I say, "Why yes, every other day" they look at me like I’m an aberration. It would be nice if that weren't such a normal question to ask.
Answer: We agree that in a perfect world, parents with cool heads can best resolve matrimonial disputes by settlements that are much less traumatic for the children. Unfortunately, cooler heads do not prevail among many of those involved in the 1.2 million divorces that take place each year, and those are the folks who generally write us.
