Question: I have had a mental debate with myself for several years about leaving my wife. We have been married for 19 years, and the bottom line is that I can't stand her anymore.

We came into the marriage with nothing. I started a retail business ten years ago that has done rather well based on my putting in 14 hours a day. But instead of helping me pay off our debts, which have risen faster than I could pay them, she has been on a seven-year spending spree that has taken every spare penny we had, and then some. At her insistence, we purchased a house in the mountains even though we are having trouble keeping our primary house payments current.

Before you say, "Put your foot down and take away the credit cards," I will tell you that I have tried that over and over, but each time I get the "silent treatment" from her and our two children – whom she tells in my presence, "Daddy won't let you have that." We even went to counseling about her spending, without success, because my wife just won't listen. Even though I don't like to see my children becoming spoiled snobs, I have given in time after time so, as she puts it, we can "give our kids the social environment I never had." Her closet is overflowing with clothing that has never been worn (tags still on lots of it). She belongs to every volunteer group imaginable and works very hard for other people, but not for our marriage.

Deep down, I would like to sit down with my wife and try to work this out, but I know that won't work. I know I need a lawyer, but I would like your take on how to settle with her so that we can shortcut this whole court thing, which makes me very nervous. Please don't use my name.

Answer: Although we are certainly not psychiatrists, based on your description, it appears to us that your wife has some type of personality disorder or mental illness that should be treated. That said, based on this lady's history of doing what she wants to do no matter what you ask, we are not convinced that a shortcut method would be worth the effort.

Here's why. You have talked to her until you were blue in the face, but never reached first base. You have been unable to get her to listen to you while you have been living with her. What makes you think that you can shortcut the "court thing" by getting her to make an agreement with you now? If you want to leave this marriage with your body parts and finances intact, a shortcut is not an option.

Bottom Line: When dealing with unreasonable people in the matrimonial setting, it is sometimes best to remove yourself from the negotiating table and allow your representative to do it for you. An experienced matrimonial lawyer should be able to press ahead with the litigation while keeping the avenues of negotiation open. It appears that you have done all you can, but we don't believe there will be a resolution until your wife recognizes the problem and makes an effort to fix it.

SoloFact: When asked how he stopped his former wife from calling and harassing him, a gentleman told us that he had given his ex-wife a fax machine, which is the sole means of communication regarding their children and disputes. In this way, both he and his ex-spouse have copies of what was asked and answered.